Gatekeeper: No, Not Aki
by Mirror and Image
Summary: [Complete]The MashoWarlords act as guardians to the gates of the world of fanficton. It's a thankless, tireless, and hopeless job, because some authors just don't quite understand the word cliche.


**Gatekeeper: No, Not Aki**  
Mirror and Image 

In a dark world called the nether realm, there sits four individuals on separate thrones. A fifth, a ghostly image of his past self, floats above them. The only female of the group sighs in boredom, and the ghost creates odd patterns of electo-plasmic light with his hands. One young man, with wild blue hair, and one with equally wild green hair, play rock paper scissors against each other. The last man is playing with string. It is like this that they spend their free time, when not eating or sleeping. Five neglected individuals with nothing better to do until their day starts. But then, their day is often just as boring. 

"This sucks!" Kayura said, letting another sigh escape from her lips. "I was the most powerful character in the series! I was able to withstand that damned white armor's attack without blinking an eye! I could wield those twin jitte like an expert, I beat their butts any number of times! Now I'm stuck with three half wits and a dead guy!"

"Who are you calling a half wit?" asked the snake eyed Naotoki. "Like some twelve year old has the right to talk about such things! Do you even know what half wit means?"

"It means you guys, of course!" Kayura shouted. "You were never able to beat those five armored up bishounen in the series."

"That's not true," Kujuurou stated evenly. He waved a red sub armored finger to the child. "We each were able to catch our respective foes in the second season, Naotoki was able to blind one of them, Jirougorou was able to make the block head doubt himself, and I defeated that green twit in our very first encounter. I would have won if he wasn't saved by that monk."

"And besides," Jiro demanded, "since when do YOU consider them bishi?"

Kayura blushed brightly. "Well, that is, you see."

It was too late, the blue haired girl was officially damned; and to further add insult to injury, the ghostly Koma stepped in.

"Which one? Who is it that you have a crush on?"

"I don't have a crush on anyone!"

"Is it that blue haired freak? Or that white wielding country boy? The blond? The water boy? The bottomless pit?"

"URASAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAI!" Kayura paused, realizing that not everyone could read Japanese, so to be safe she added, "SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUP!"

"Oh, dear," Naotoki sighed, looking at a clock. "It's time to start." He had long since stopped asking how modern technology had found it's way into the feudal realm in which they lived. After all, such was the whim of fanfic writers.

"Do you think we'll ever get a day off?" Kujuurou asked mournfully fingering his scar.

"That's about as likely as us becoming the stars. Hell, we were ignored the entire second season," Jiro replied.

"All right," Kayura murmured. "Where's today's list?"

"Now, now," the ghostly Koma scolded. "We have to go about this by the book."

"Fine," she answered indifferently. "Whose turn is it anyway?"

"Yours."

"Of course." Standing from her throne, Kayura cleared her throat. "People of this nether world! We are the gatekeepers of this realm! Those of you who wish to pass through the gate and into the ningenkai-the human world of fanfics, you must first be approved by us, Kayura-sama-"

"Lady Kayura," Naotoki whispered. "They watch the English version too, you know!"

"SHUT UP Naotoki! I'm starting to get into this! Anyway. LADY Kayura, Kujuurou Sasaki, Naotoki Yamanouchi, Jirougorou Kurada-affectionately known as Jiro-chan," The white haired man sighed and cursed the fates. "And the ghostly specter, Koma Toshitada!" Kayura struck a pose, one foot raised onto the throne and a hand pointing aimlessly into the air. "Let the list be presented and let those who wish to pass through the gate be judged by we righteous people!"

Naotoki slumped into his snake-adorned throne. "Twelve year olds."

Still, the formalities taken care of, a scroll popped out from literally nowhere and landed in Kayura's outstretched arms.

"Let the applicants step forward!"

A popping sound was made, one all too familiar to the enthroned group of characters, and following the popping noise came a person. It was a man, dressed entirely in black, including cape, armor, hair and eyes. His face was chiseled, his eyes were piercing, and his smile was downright evil.

Kayura was the first to react.

"Ooooooooooohhhhhh! How come you applicant's are never creative!"

"Like you were creative in choosing your crush?" Koma asked devilishly.

The blush returned to Kayura's face as she threw the applicant at him. "You keep you mouth shut, or I'll kill you all over again!"

"Hey," Kujuurou said evenly, "The sooner we get this over with, the sooner we can go threw the gate ourselves and prove either one of you wrong." Stepping up from his brown and red throne, Kujuurjou picked up the black clad applicant and placed the man before them like he was supposed to be before Kayura had grabbed him. "Now then," he said to the applicant. "State you name and power."

Naotoki looked up. "Isn't that Swiftgold's line on that killer essay of hers?"

Kujuurou narrowed his eyes. A devilish grin matching Koma's previous one appeared. "You would know, wouldn't you?"

"Jackal."

"Snake."

"Uhm."

That of course was the applicant. The four humans and the one ghost looked at him. "What?" they chorused.

"My name is Baddie. I am more powerful that Talpa and wish to control the human world."

"What are you powers?" Jiro asked politely, despite the look of annoyance on his face.

"Greater than Talpa's."

"But what are they?" he asked again.

"I don't know. I spend most of the time just sitting around giving orders to my lackeys and laughing maniacally. I've gotten pretty good at it. Do you want to hear it?"

"NO!" Everyone shouted.

"Very well then, I will." Baddie took a deep breath and let out an "Oooooooooo-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho" that could rival Naga the White Serpant from Slayers. Everybody cringed, covering their ears in a vain attempt to save their hearing.

"OUT! OUT! GET OUT!" Kayura shouted. She grabbed the nearest thing to her-Jiro-and threw him at the applicant. Of course, the "out, out" exclamation was the equivalent to a rejection, so the applicant popped away with that popping noise, leaving Jiro to hit the floor face first. With the noise dispersed and the silence reigning, everyone took a deep breath. Except Jiro of course, who was too busy spitting up the floor he'd landed on.

"Was that really necessary!" he demanded.

Kayura, slightly embarrassed she had done that so EARLY in the day, tried to laugh it off. "Now, now, Jiro-chan. You know how I react to bad applicants."

"True," Naotoki said, grinning at Jiro and glad HE hadn't been thrown. "True. But you usually wait until after our lunch break before you start flying off the handle."

Kayura's laughter increased. "Oh, well, I guess it must be that time of the month."

Naotoki's snake eyes turned to the blue haired girl. "A twelve year old is going through 'that time of the month'. Even assuming that you actually are experiencing that, aren't you still pretty irregular?"

"Ano," Kujuurou said, blushing. "Can we change the subject?"

"Well," Koma said. "She is old enough to have a crush on a bishounen, isn't she?"

"NEXT!"

The next applicant to pass through the gates and into the fanfic world was a tall, handsome looking man, again in black armor and cape. Kayura cringed.

"I am Baddie version one million, six hundred twenty one thousand, four hundred and ninety four. I am totally evil, and more powerful than Talpa every dreamed to be! I have five brand-spanking new female dark warlords to fight against Mary Sue, Peggy Sue, Betty Sue, Maggie Sue, and Katie Sue! And the Ronin Warriors if they feel like it-I mean, I will attack the Ronin Warrior because they happen to be near the Sue's and I will pull my girl warlords away just before they deliver the crushing blow every time!"

"Next!"

The Baddie popped away and they waited for the next applicant.

"Hey, Jiro-chan, is there anything to eat?" Koma asked.

The one eyed man rolled his eyes. "You're a ghost remember? You don't have to eat!"

Before Koma could retort, another tall, dark, black clad man appeared.

Naotoki held his head in his hand, muttering, "State your name and power."

"How interesting," Kujuurou said. "You use Swiftgold's line too."

"Shut. Up."

"It appears that Kayura isn't the only one with a crush."

"Keep you mouth shut!" Kayura shouted.

"Well, at least Naotoki here was original enough to pick an author, not a bishounen."

Kayura growled. "I wish you would just go away!"

The applicant, who had never even opened his mouth, popped away.

"Now look what you did," Jiro said. "Can you imagine what would happen if the higher ups found out we banished someone for no reason? We'll be put in charge of the first line of defense, not the last one!"

Several shudders emitted from the five as the next applicant appeared.

"My name is…"

"Yes?"

"My name is… Bob."

Sweatdrop. "And your power?"

"I have none."

"… Okay. Then what is your occupation?"

"I'm a mailman."

Double sweatdrop.

"I do my job very well. I can throw newspapers and have them land right on the front door! I can order and deliver mail to the most obscure addresses! Dogs run away from me, Dobermans are scared of me, pit bulls tremble at my very presence! Mwa hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Triple sweatdrop.

"That's nice… I think. Tell me, why do you want to go into a fanfic?"

"Mwa hahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! To deliver the mail of course! Hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Triple sweatdrop and stray hairs.

"Next!"

Bob the mailman disappeared, thank god, and was replaced by a face that everyone knew all too well.

"I am Talpa, version three million, four hundred twenty six thousand, five hundred seven-"

"OUT!" everyone shouted. Talpa disappeared and everyone paused to get their breath.

"GEEEEEEEEEZZZZ!" Naotoki exhaled. "Why does Talpa always come back from the dead!"

"It's that line," Jiro supplied, still clutching his heart. "He says at one point that so long as evil exists in this world, he will always come back."

"Three million times!" the scared Kujuurou demanded. "Even if he were to come back every time, it's not like he was guaranteed the throne or something! He'd come back as a peasant or something and have to work his way to power again! Don't they know these things?"

"Some do," Koma said wistfully.

"Next!" That was Kayura.

"I am Warlord version five hundred sixty two! I have powers beyond those of Talpa and am secretly related to Mary Sue version six million, three hundred twenty five thousand, four-hundred eighteen point nine! I have my own black armor and have no origin to explain my powers that can exceed the Inferno! I am relentless but merciful, I won't let any one die. I am smart but stupid, I'll let the Ronins live to further my goals. I live to whip the Ronins butts and to either seduce or rape my relation Mary Sue, who will be either tortured or killed or both afterward! Unless those foolish Ronins ruin my plans."

The five neglected characters looked at each other.

"We're reduced to this after the series? Playing gatekeepers to things like this?" Jiro asked.

Kayura meanwhile sighed. "Who wants this one?"

"I'll take it," Naotoki said. Standing, he walked down the few steps to the latest applicant. "Hmm," he said, examining the excuse of a man before him. "With or without?" he asked.

"?" was the man's first reply, and then he answered. "With?"

"As you wish." Naotoki put on his armor and pulled out his swords.

"English or Japanese?"

The man by now had lost the confidence in which he has secured himself before. In fact, he was actually trembling. "English?"

"SNAKE FANG STRIKE!"

The applicant was taken care of. Satisfied, Naotoki sat down and resumed his bored countenance.

"Why all the exclamation points?" Kujuurou asked, again fingering his scar.

"It make my voice louder. Or something to that affect. Ask the writer."

Kujuurou sighed and thought better of that. "At this rate I'm beginning to wonder if it's a good thing that we're neglected. At least this way we don't have to put up with this kind of stuff."

Two men, a girl, and a ghost stared at him angrily, all quite ready to bestow an unimaginably harsh punishment on him.

"Or not."

"NEXT!"

"I am Baddie version one million, six hundred twenty one thousand, four hundred and ninety five. I will capture and torture the Ronin rodents for banishing me the first time-"

"First time?"

"and while I am doing so I will idiotically divulge my plans to them so that when they miraculously escape they will know to go after my identical twin sister-"

"Sister!"

"and fall in love with her and discover her magical armor that is more powerful than the Inferno's might and-"

"Wait, wait," Jiro said. "Back up a few paces. First time? You were able to get past the gates before?"

"Yes."

"You're a guy. How can you have and IDENTICAL twin that's a girl? Only fraternal twins can be different genders."

"My author doesn't know a lot about the subject."

"I got this one." Jiro stood and took his turn down the steps and promptly whacked the guy on the jaw. The applicant fell into a ball and whined incessantly.

"That's not faaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"

"Tell it to someone who cares," Jiro spat. "Next!"

"I am Badamon version fifty six-"

"Next!"

"I am Anubis version four hundred sixty one-"

Koma fumed. "I'm dead, damn it! I'm supposed to stay dead! Not even Sh'ten is brought back to life; out! OUT!"

"Speaking of the YST," Naotoki said pensively. "Have you ever noticed that they don't have nearly as many 'evil returns' and Mary Sues in them? Their fics are a lot nicer on us."

"I am mega Baddie verion one thousand and eighty two. I will destroy the Sailor Senshi and those cursed Troopers!"

"I take that back. Next!"

"I am an original character. Whether or not I am good or evil has not been determined. I am merely interested in the armors, I have no desire to capture them unless they suit my purposes."

"… Okay, go on."

"Thank you."

"Next!"

"I am a normal version of evil, completely separate from the Dynasty, version twenty four."

"… Then what are you doing here?"

"How would I know? Just for appearances?"

"Next!"

The next applicants were in a group of three very familiar faces.

"We are the Dark Warlords version three hundred thousand twenty one! Our virtues are evil for no good reason and will destroy the Ronin Warriors!"

All five stood up, picked up their chairs, and in true Lina Inverse fashion, threw them at the Warlords.

Kayura turned to the computer screen. "Take a hint people! We're not bad guys anymore! And we're not lost in the Dynasty either! If some mega baddie is going to take over the youjakai, they have to get through us, remember! I said as much at the end of the last episode! Did you forget that? Have you noticed the numbers you've been reading? Have you!"

Kujuurou put a hand on Kayura, and then smartly ducked as she threw a fist at him. "Kayura, in case you haven't noticed, we're not supposed to know this is a fic. Try to hold your fury until someone decided to write about you. If they do, THEN you can bat them over the head with that shakujo of yours, alright?"

"Now then," he added. "Next!"

"Let's hope it's actually a good applicant, or I think we'll all go crazy."

With the customary popping noise, three men in business suits appeared.

"We are Bill Gates, AOL, and Yahoo."

Every body gasped and dived behind their newly created thrones. Even the ghostly Koma was shaking.

"We are here to delete your files and screw up your internet access and your html capabilities. Pages will be corrupted and accounts deleted in our quest to take over the world."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!"

The three men popped away, leaving everyone gasping for air and white in terror.

"They… They actually come… from here?" Kayura said between breaths.

"I-I-it w-would explain a lo-a lot," Kujuurou stuttered. The others were too shocked to voice any thoughts on the matter. Shakily, they made their way back to their seats, trying to collect their wits about them as the next applicant appeared.

A woman stood before them, dressed in purple and green with a deep violet hair that fell to her knees. Her hands were on her hips, and her light brown skin was stern as she faced the gatekeepers.

"I am Keiki," she said in a confident voice. "I am a member of the Mystic class of the Dynasty. I have the ability to create illusions and to slightly warp reality to integrate the two. I have NO intention of attacking the Ronin Warriors, but I must set an example and create the proper impression of myself when I become Empress of the Dynasty and attempt to reconstruct it. I plan to have a council of Chancellors, one from each class and our personal doll, the neglected Gatekeeper Aki. After things settle down, I intend to make peace with the Ronin Warriors and make a Meeting of Alms-a peace treaty. I will later discover that I am a Dragon Blood, a rare person who, with another Dragon Blood, can bring back the Dragon Elders of this realm."

"…"

"… …"

"… … …"

"Have I not explained myself thoroughly?"

Naotoki leaned forward, his snake eyes narrow. "Do you know which author you're under?"

"The twins, Mirror and Image of the Second Sight. I am part of their Mega-Large-Nameless-Epic-Which-Is-Sometimes-Called-Either-The-Second-Sight-Or-The-Mary-Sue-Series-Or-Saga. The Epic Saga for short."

Naotoki nodded while Jiro scratched his only eye. "The twins have been over doing their character development again, haven't they?"

"Don't they always?" the ghostly Koma asked.

"Alright, you can go."

"Excellent. May I bring my Chancellors and bit characters with me? Or do they have to go through this as well?"

"They're required to go through it," Kujuurou answered, fingering his scar. "No exceptions, not even to the girls writing this dialog fic."

"Understood."

Keiki popped away and Kayura looked to her list. "Hey, that's the last one for now."

"It is?"

"Yeah, we have the day off after all!"

The men cheered and raced for the gate they had earlier been protecting.

"Now we can see who you're crush is on!" Koma said.

"Not to mention Swifty," Naotoki added. He blushed when he realized what he said and glared at the grinning Kujuurou.

"You finally admit your feelings?"

"Shut up, Jackal."

"Snake."

"Hey!" shouted Jiro. "Wait for me!" 

**The End**  
For now.


End file.
